Encore

Rollercoaster. That's the best adjective that I can use to describe my life over the last 3+ years. I left Germany on October 24th, 2012 and since then I feel as though I have lost so much more than I have gained. Insert list of rants here:
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The truth is: I'm not really sure if I've made progressions or regressions in my life with the choices that I've made, the people that I've gained or lost, and all of the what-ifs I now could re-stock a Walmart store with. These are the same what-ifs that I arduously once worked so hard to avoid but, somehow along the way I've lost track of whom I am but more so where the FUCK it is that I am going with this life of mine. This blog was once about me as a young man giving zero fucks, travelling the world, meeting people, and enthusiastically yet unequivocally writing my experiences and sharing them with the world. These days I work/slave for a buck in hopes of feeding my young daughter telling myself that one day soon I'll get "there." Simply stated: my life is a mess and my hopes and dreams I shattered somewhere along these last 3+ years and I've been blindly attempting to pick up the pieces.

Chances are that if you're reading this, you've probably aged as much as I have since my last post and my hope is that your life has given you all of the things that you hoped for 3 years ago. Chances are that you knew me back then too, and sadly I'd be willing to say that if you are reading this and if you did know me 3 years ago today then maybe your life isn't a whole lot different. While I certainly don't wish that to be the case, if you're still in my circle you most likely haven't done a whole lot to brag about either. Be it as it may. There's a long list of things that I have accomplished though, so do not be misled. If I really thought about it and tooted my own horn here, I could come up with a substantial list of things to pride myself in such as accomplishment and achievements or whatever else, but at the end of the day I still feel empty. Lately I feel lost and apathetic; I'm thirsty to live again but have the sensation of cotton mouth in the depths of my brain that once upon a time would so easily remind me that I'm a fucking beast.

Well I'm fucking tired of it and I'm going to do something about it. Just as I did in the summer of 2010, I'm picking up this blog to track progressions in search of something better, someone better (introspective,) and a life I feel worth living for. I know my life will be better, I just need to begin somewhere and so today I'm back to the beginning where I once inadvertently commenced an unexpected adventure I won't soon forget. Please join me, gradually, in rediscovering and redeveloping myself into Jay Martinez. This is my blog, this is my life, and moving forward this will be a rally point for all of us to embark on the life of a thirtysomething and all of my conundrums and explorations.

Falling back

Today's weather here in Bayern reminds me a lot about my trip to Stockholm, Sweden almost 1 year ago. Although Fall has already arrived on our calendars, the temperature seems to be somewhat indecisive about its range and where it's going to be from day to day. Granted, all of the overcast skies today would remind me of my somber-feeling days I spent in Stockholm because of the short amount of time the sun actually stayed out while I was there. It might be a little difficult for many of you to imagine, especially if you've never been so high/low in latitude, but it was absoultely crazy how the sun was already down at 3PM and the afternoons felt as though they're carrying on until the early hours of the morning. Nevertheless, Stockholm and its people were amazing, and it's a place I certainly plan on visiting again sometime in the future.

I suppose the reason I'm even mentioning anything about the weather or about a place I visited in my past, is because as the clock keeps ticking and the days on the calendar keep rolling past, I realize more and more that my time here in wonderful Germany is truly coming to an end. I've been trying to convince myself that I will do everything possible to do at least a littble bit of traveling while I'm still here, perhaps visit some good acquaintances I've made since my time here began, or perhaps just spend the remainder of my time delving in anything and everything with the few but close friends I've still got here. This past weekend I was originally planning on spending all my time in Munich, however, none of my plans went as drawn out because I ended up spending the weekend in its entirety in Würzburg with a few friends and missed my trains to Munich for a rugby tournament and Oktoberfest. To be honest, I didn't really mind not having made it down there, except for the fact that a distant acquaintance of mine whom I met through Eugene back in junior year of university was flying in just for Oktoberfest. I had made plans to rendezvous with him while there and a few other people but, unfortunately, our plans just did not come to fruition. Shit happens I guess, right?

The only other real plans I have coming up are definitely spending time with James this weekend at Oktoberfest. This time around I know that I cannot miss this for the world; considering the fact James is easily one of my best friends despite the fact our relationship as such hasn't really existed for very long, it would be a shame if I didn't make this commitment especially because it's not every week I have someone from home making the effort to spend some time with me all the way over here. Simply stated: I am super excited to spend time with him and all our other friends because I know it'll be a weekend filled with debauchery and god knows what else. I hope to make it out alive :-P The good thing about this coming weekend though is that I have a total of 4 days off from work, and while I may only be planning on seeing James during 2 of those days, I'm contemplating traveling about thirty minutes south of Munich and make my way into the Bavarian Alps for some snowboarding/sight seeing. Here's to our plans coming through!

In regards to my imminent return home, the only thing I'm waiting on right now is to receive my orders from the Army, after which it should be approximately 14 days until I fly out. Realistically speaking, I probably won't be receiving them until later this week (knock on wood) or possibly sometime during the next. If I do my maths correctly, and it's never been my strongest subject, I could still make it back home for Halloween if the stars align for me. I often hear that when given an inch, don't ask for a mile. Well, I'm almost 5,000 miles away from home, getting me closer to home by asking for a little expediency shouldn't really harm anybody. So let's make something fucking happen!

I don't know, I am feeling somewhat in a funk. Soon I'll be making all of my 'good-byes' and 'see you laters,' only to be followed by all of the 'hellos' and 'it's great to see yous.' While it might be very evident to you that I'm quite anticipant about getting back home, it almost feels like a big part of me is going to stay here in Germany once I leave. It's bitter-sweet knowing that I've made so many positive and fulfilling interactions while I've been here, and lately I've met a few people, and not to mention got to know a few others a lot better, that I feel our relationships will never be fully nor properly explored. Oh well, c'est la vie yo. I guess for now I'll just leave my office in 20 minutes, and continue to enjoy being home, or home while I'm still able to call it that. Anyways, Nuremberg awaits tonight. Cheers y'all.

I'm back at it again.

Well, long time no see huh? I hope every one of my readers has been great. I will be up front and apologize to many of you for practically neglecting and in a way ignoring your requests to come back to this blog and write again. Admittedly, the past several months have been very much like a roller coaster in regards to many ups and many downs, but now that the dust has settled I feel prepared to get back to what I know, this blog being one of them. In sum, my conscientious objector packet never went through to D.C. and after having found out that my bosses had practically stored it away while lying to me and telling me it was in transit, I decided to take matters into my own hands and pursue a discharge through other means. After many headaches and confrontations, as well as the proverbial slap in the hand, I've finally achieved what I've been trying to do for over a year. The end-state: I'll be home in about 1 month's time and finally getting myself back on my feet and on track once again.

With the exception of my job status and everything in the likes, my life was also turned upside down and back again during these last few months in regards to my relationships; Anna and I inevitably broke up after a very dramatic series of events that took place in our lives back in April and May. While traveling with work for about 3 weeks, I had received a message from her notifying me that she was late and that her doctor had confirmed that she was pregnant. I think it's fair to say that for just about anybody this kind of news would leave a person in a state of shock, and it did for me, but at the same time I knew that I was more than happy and prepared to do what I felt was right, and so I told her I was in for the long haul. I wrote about it in this blog I published on The Vomitorium. After re-reading this blog, it's almost surreal to me that all of it ever even happened. The very unfortunate thing about it all is that it was something we never finished; Anna "lost the baby"(due to nature, not choice...or so I think) a few weeks later, and due to our distance geographically and the distance we created between the two of us after it all happened, our relationship ceased to function positively. I wish I had something more to say about that...but the truth is that I don't. Awkward silence.... :/

Anyways, it has truly been a very troublesome time for me. I think it goes without saying that the aforementioned developments and events took a very serious toll on me on so many levels. I stopped traveling, I stopped blogging, it was difficult for me to even keep in touch with my own friends and family because in a way I didn't really want to be in touch with anyone. I felt as every conversation I had with everyone was always exactly the same, it all became a sour reminder, day in and day out, of the fucked up situation I was in at the moment and the way it felt as if I was stuck in an unconquerable depression. During that time I burned more bridges that I would have probably liked to, of course in reference to Anna, but also some very good friends (i.e. Jackie.) Nevertheless, just as there are high and lows, lefts and rights, blacks and whites, there were also many bright spots in my dark sky. After all of the support and encouragement I received from many of you, and after the recent good news I've received, my batteries are charged all the way up again and am ready for round 2.

Many of the conundrums I'm currently presented with are still the same as before. I plan on coming home for approximately 3-5 months and possibly working some random job here or there to save up some cash before my move to Brasil (that is still my biggest goal.) Given the fact I've only been home for less than 14 days during the almost past 2 years, I feel it to be right to spend a decent amount of time with my family and many of you back home that have loyally kept up with my blog. I really can't thank you enough. I suppose that until I do get back home, I'm going to see about fitting in some mini travels while I'm still here in Europe. I guess I should really make the best of it while it still lasts. In any case, I do have a plethora of other things to fill you all in about what's going on, and I give you my word to do so in the very near future. Thanks again for keeping up with me, and for being there for me, even from afar.

Lots of love,
Jay

House Freestyle at Siegestor, Munich

A new term defined

So this past weekend turned out to be the exact opposite of what I had originally imagined. As I'm sure you recall from reading my last post, I was planning on traveling south into the Bavarian Alps for a weekend of snowboarding. However, that didn't ever take place due to poor planning and miscommunication between my friends and I. To be fair and honest, it was really no one's fault considering last week everyone was working odd hours and taking care of various duties in locations other than usual. Instead, I spent my 4 days off doing absolutely nothing and indulging in what was easily the laziest 4 days I've had since I moved to Europe. Do I feel bad about it? Absolutely not. As I've said before, all things are only good in moderation, and moderating my travels and on-the-go life style and mentality was necessary, even if unintended :)

One thing that was particularly encouraging about my weekend, however, was that I only drank on one night through out that span, and this took place on Sunday night. It had been several months (perhaps since last summer?) that my friends and I were all in Illesheim on a 4-day weekend in which none of us were traveling, and as a result we did what we always used to: poker night! In the past, poker nights consisted of a totally brotastic time which lead to a drunken brostastrophe, meaning we played poker and drank until we couldn't do either any longer. Sunday night was not so different; the exception was that while I indulged in both poker and drinking, I didn't really drink myself to oblivion due to a lack in desire to do so and my vow to cut down on doing so. This was not the case for everybody else, however, and we played many of our usual pranks on those that were quick to become inebriated, jokes not for the faint of hearts.

I should also note that, while spending time with several of my friends on Sunday I came away with a very VERY important lesson: I seriously need to become a nicer person. One of my friends Tony and I have had somewhat of a love/hate relationship since we met. The bromance is in full effect while he's sober, conversely, when we drink (and the guy can fucking drink) we tend to get into heated arguments as to why I'm not amazing and pretty much the best thing that ever walked this earth. Of course I argue that I am...he disagrees... adamantly. Here's the thing though, while I am a cocky and in many ways conceited individual, I don't believe this about myself in reality. Plus, the times that I have had this argument with him it has been merely me just joking around and seeing how much I can push his buttons because he always took the matter seriously, and as many of you know I don't take anything nor anyone seriously unless it's necessary. However, Tony brought new light to my eyes while having this discussion with me that although he knows I don't actually intend to be hurtful with many of my ways, I inadvertently end up doing so many times...even if people never voice this towards me. I think that when he told me this was when it all stopped being fun and games for me, I shut my mouth, actually listened to what it was he had to say, and eventually apologized to him. He made me realize that it's actually very true, and that because a lot of times I only think about myself, even though I'm not trying to be an asshole at that time I end up being exactly that because I'm too focused on me me me, and nothing or anyone else matters.

That night I voiced my newfound conviction to Tony, my other friends, but most importantly to myself that severing assholery from my personality would become an active effort. I'm happy to report that less than a week in: so far so good. My question is though, how does one successfully change a big part of whom one has been for so long? I guess I'll figure it out along the way. In order to guide myself through this process, I began reading a lot about trying to define myself as a man of wholesome and honest values, respectable, and admiralty. I referred back to a book Eugene referred me to and that I briefly blogged about last year, written by David Deida and titled "The Way of The Superior Man." This, however, was somewhat troublesome as it brought back to life many useful ideas and pointers to lead my life successfully and fruitfully, but at the same time it emphasized my aforementioned assholery (and no that's not actually a word I don't think, but it fits the part, so maybe just maybe I'll patent it.) One read that did turn out to be very enjoyable and useful was something written in www.askmen.com about the definition of "A Real Man." You can read it here. If you know me well enough, you'll understand why this rung so true and loud to me :) Seriously though, check it out...it's actually a good read.

On another note and update, today I finally (FINALLY!) had my consultation, if you want to call it that, with a mental health profession in regards to my conscientious objection application. As previously mentioned, this is one of the requirements when a service member claims to be a conscientious objector, and I suppose it's for the government to see if there's anything psychologically wrong with you. I didn't really know what to expect, but once I got there I was comforted because although the person I sat down with was in the service as well, she was very clear and open with me about what the consultation would be like. She clarified to me that she wouldn't make a recommendation as to whether or not she believed I should be discharged as a CO, but that I was there simply to make sure that I was fine. I spent a little over an hour talking with her, telling her my story, and giving her a clear picture of who I am and where I'm coming from. Overall, I think it went extremely well and much better than I had anticipated. The crazy thing is that now it's all behind me, and the only thing left is for an investigator to hold a hearing which I do not plan on waiving off, and then he or she will make a recommendation to the Department of The Army as to whether or not I should be discharged based on my claim. I don't have word yet as to when this hearing is going to take place, but I'm hoping that it's sometime in the near future. If so, this means that my hopes, dreams, and aspirations of moving to Brasil would soon be simply that, and instead become reality.

I'm really keeping my fingers crossed, knocking wood, counting my lucky stars or whatever else you can think of in hopes that this all goes my way and in proper timing. Everything is extremely difficult to plan right now because I have no idea when any of this is going to happen, or if it will at all, but I'm keeping faith in it and in myself. Many many other things in mind I'd like to share with you all, but I suppose I'll try to keep this as it is and perhaps write about it later. I've already filled a select few of you in on some of these things, but just to hint, my developing emotions towards the coming season, my struggles with being in a new relationship, and of course traveling. I'll do my best to blog again soon, but until then, be easy y'all. Much love.

An update and introduction to The Vomitorium

There is an absurd amount of things that I would like to say and emotions I have been feeling the need to convey. I owe many of you an apology for not blogging much throughout the course of the year; as you all know much of my motivation for writing and publishing on this blog are my travels, and my travels are something that I have been trying to cut back on, as a result I have been writing less. It seems as though a lot of the traveling I've diminished in my life has been replaced by other occurrences and personal developments that I both expected, and didn't. Unfortunately, many of these developments haven't necessarily been on the positive side of the spectrum, and I attribute this as the reason for my lack of blogging. When I commenced this blog, I told myself that I wanted to keep it free of drama and negativity, just the same way that I've been to live my life for the last year and a half, and so that's why I've refrained from writing lately.

2012 has proved to be somewhat of a bad apple in the bushel of recent times. From being treated in a condescending manner at work, to almost a whole month of lost communication with my family, the month of January sure wasn't the amazing start to the year that I envisioned. To be fair, much of the negativity was almost expected and self-inflicted (work-wise) after I submitted my conscientious objector application, and many of those problems I didn't really know how to handle on my own...so I tried to handle it alone, and I kind of blocked people out of my life because of that. Consequently, I ended up hurting my mother's and sister's feelings for being out of touch, more-so than usual, but thankfully I was able to rectify that situation. In regards to my application, I would like to extend a public and very necessary appreciation to those of you that wrote letters of references for me; if I asked you for the favor it was because I knew I could depend on you to not only stretch out a helping hand, but to also solidify and confirm my beliefs...and you didn't let me down :) I've already submitted your letters, written a personal sworn statement that was 6 pages in length, and met with a chaplain (one of the requirements) in order for him to dissect my beliefs and write a report on the depth and sincerity of them. Next week I am scheduled to meet with a mental health professional (a shrink to be exact) so that they can make sure I'm not crazy, apparently. Last step after that, and before my application goes up to Headquarters of the Department of the Army is to have a hearing, but I don't know when during the year that will take place.

In light of the unforeseen difficulties, I must admit that there have also been many positive developments in my life as well. In January I took a very spontaneous trip to Amsterdam, The Netherlands with a few friends, and if you've heard anything about Amsterdam that instantly plugs certain thoughts into your head, let me tell you first hand, IT IS ALL MOTHERFUCKING TRUE! I'll leave it at that ;) Things with Anna have been a pleasant surprise for the most part, although as it progresses, in a way it reminds me why it is that I've been single for the past 3 years. Nevertheless, it's a testament to myself that there are many things I need to keep working on myself on an interpersonal level, but I'm trying. I've been so concerned with nothing else but myself these past few years that caring for someone else is a very foreign feeling now. To be honest, it's somewhat of a mind-boggling situation because I do expect to leave Germany sometime in the next year, approximately, and so as a result it adds even more uncertainties into my life. Nevertheless, I'm thoroughly enjoying what it is, and like everything thing else I do, I'm just kind of taking it day by day. I figure that's all that I can do because they say tomorrow is never promised, and instead of concerning myself with whatever may or may not come my way, I want to focus on living today to the fullest.

Yesterday I purchased my flight to Manchester, England to visit Jackie, the same friend I met up with in Dublin, Ireland last may. I briefly wrote about it here. Jackie is promised to be married in June, and so this will be my last opportunity to visit her before we both meet again back home in the US for the ceremony. I originally intended to attend my first English Premier League football match while in Manchesta', but my plans have changed and can now dedicate the entirety of my trip to hanging out with Jackie and Tony :) I am also exploring the possibility of bringing Anna along with me to meet Jackie...we'll see how it goes. This coming weekend presents me with various options as I'm off from work Friday to Monday. A few friends and I are trying to assemble a snowboarding excursion to the Bavarian Alps, but if that falls through we have PLENTY of options. I guess in a small way I haven't completely obliterated traveling out of my life...I suppose I just can't help it. How do you stop doing something that you're passionate about right? Anyways...

The last little bit of info I would like to share with you all is about an amazing idea my friend Chetan and a few acquaintances from college came up with. It's called The Vomitorium, and you should DEFINITELY click here and check it out. It's a brand new blog in which a few of us will contribute to periodically in order to share whatever intellectual and meaningful things we have brewing in our young minds, or perhaps just sharing anything of value to the greater masses. I'm currently working on my second post, so aside from keeping up-to-date with this blog, if you're ever bored feel free to check it out. You'll be pleasantly surprised ;) As always, thank you everyone for reading and I look forward to sharing more of my life with you all.

Love always,
Jay

Hemispheres

"Hey dude-

Sorry for the delay. I realize I've been less than communicative- but I’m writing to you in between seminar classes from Brazil (where I've been eating beans for a few days & can't clap my ass fast enough to make it to the toilet 5x per day- it's buffet style). I've been thinking about you while over here... it's definitely not Barca or mykonos, but amazing nonetheless in an intellectual way.

Came here a few days ago and ever since I stepped foot onto this reformed plantation-turned-hotel, I’ve been swept up in a whirlwind of learning (I'm taking some NLP seminars and shit). I won’t give you all the unnecessary details, but I will say that [I'm] with the exact people of the exact industry of my future. In fact, if this were an education I were paying for, I would say I hit the Ivy League Jackpot. Holy shit- really different from reading books and shit and I'm so so into this. Very diff from [Argentina] as well, where I was just working, going out, and working more. Here there's no bs or politics, just lots of good energy and hugs and good conversations and churning out videos on the side.

How's your setup going man? Are the military moves/ court process turning out?  Here in some ways, it's also like a job...I have class from 9 to 7 everyday, with a break for lunch, and then typically I work my private projects(building connections, videos, websites,etc) in between and after, punctuated with deep discussions with the leaders of my industry. Unreal access to big minds and uncharted growth. So worth the money. And since I didn’t really pay any to attend, only that much more valuable. You would have loved it.

Holy fuck-amazing- also, my Portuguese is coming along REALLY well, and things are just exactly where they need to be right now.

It would have been sick if you could have been here.  I know you started a little NLP investigation, but this is the real fucking deal dude. Wow


PS- You'll be happy to know that we got our first fraudulent credit card process on that website I designed a few months ago the other day for 2K+... but I called them to thank them before we sent anything out and found out it was a hijacked cc num... fuckers.

Hope you're doing well dude

beso from brazil" - Eugene.

Hey man,

I'm really happy to hear from you finally :) I too, am sorry that we've been relatively out of touch lately. Moreover, I hope that there isn't any bad blood between us from that one episode and hissy-fit I threw the night we went out with Nick and Chetan. I know we've already spoken about it, just felt the need to throw that out there. In any case, I cannot express to you how happy I am to hear that Brasil seems to be everything you anticipated, and much more. Quite honestly, I take this as personal motivation to make my move down there sometime in the foreseeable future. Did you ever get to meet the German dude that gave you the scholarship to attend this event? Also, by the time you read this, I hope that your chronic diarrhea has decipitated and your stool is better :) And why the hell would you tell me that you've been thinking about me in the same sentence you wrote about taking a shit??? hahaha

Things in my neck of the woods are status quo for the most part, but definitely a collection of small yet noteworthy developments. One thing I know you would love to learn is that I've actually began teaching yoga this month. Honestly it was a very spontaneous opportunity that presented itself to me, but I gladly took to it head on. The reason I know that this would make you happy to know is because I owe having ever explored yoga to you. Remember how throughout college Edward and I made fun of you for doing it so often, and then I finally gave in to your invitations? Quite the pleasant surprise for sure, being the only 2 guys in an aerobics room full of sluts and sorostitutes stretching and queefing for an hour straight. Some things will never change. But anyways, yeah dude it's been fun...the times I have taught it, it's been full 1-hour sessions, and I'm teaching it to people that have never really experienced yoga, so it's a learning experience on both sides since I'm learning to teach it, and they're learning the art of it. It's very satisfying though when some of the people approach me and express their gratitude for not only teaching them something new, but for influencing their mentality and mood that they will carry for the remainder of their day (I teach it at 630AM.)

In regards to the Army, as we say in the ranks here, "here we go again, same old shit again." Different day, same old BS. Things are moving (if at all) at a very bureaucratic pace, which I expected, and so I don't really have an idea as to when some actual moves will happen. I've already written my statements, as well as received letters of references from people back home in the likes of old roommates, professors, and colleagues. My last steps are to sit down to with a shrink so they can attest that I'm not crazy or some horse shit like that, and then my final hearing...seems like it's eons away. Nevertheless, it hasn't stopped me from preparing myself for my move to your current hemisphere, and I too am delving into Português as much as I can. It's difficult to balance learning both German and Português simultaneously, but I have fun doing it nonetheless. One thing that I'm convinced will help me though is the fact that I think I might be going steady with Anna now, the girl I told you about. She's extremely smart, and speaks a collection of languages. It's been a pleasant emotional and romantic surprise dude, and I wish to tell you more about her and what we have over the phone when we get the chance...but in sum, I'm really happy right now.

In regards to travels, I'm going to England next month to visit Jackie for a weekend, and the I'll be traveling to Bucharest in April for one of the Sensation concerts that's taking place there on the 21st. HOLY FUCK! I'm so stoked for that!

So anway, how's the vagina down there? And I'm not referring to yours ;-) I really would like it if we arranged a tiime to catch up through skype, so get at me girl...miss you tons bro and I hope the positivity, your experiences, and explorations down in Brasil multiply significantly. Looking forward to hearing more about it.

XOXO,
Daddy