München und Liebe.

Do you think it's possible for a person to fall in love with something other than people? Can a person fall in love with an object, a place, or a time? Furthermore, if a person does fall in love, does he or she know when this particular instance occurs? I guess what I'm really trying to ask is, is it possible to be fully conscious of the exact moment in which one figuratively 'falls' into this abyss or realm of opulent emotion we call love? What is love? I pose all these questions, of course, under the assumption that people have the ability to be aware of their emotions, or that they even have the ability to feel at all.

On a personal level I truly believe that I've been 'in love' in the past. Sure we all say things like, "I love my mother, I love my siblings, I love this and that" or what have you, and I'm the first to admit that I overuse the word love for descriptive purposes. I mean, I'm typing up this post while eating a Subway sandwich, which I absolutely love. It's fucking tasty! Haha. The times in which I was in love though, and it has only been twice in my life, I remember feeling as if I was on top of the world. Somewhere along the way, things just fell apart (as all things eventually do) and I ended up again at step 1. I know I've said this several times and I apologize in advance for sounding so repetitive, but the past two years of my life have been a constant effort to address many of the things I felt needed fixing about myself as an individual, and as a person to those around me. I can happily say that in recent months I've started to feel comfortable and assertive about my progressions, so much to the point where I've wanted to share myself with the world I live in and the people in it (hence this blog.)

Last weekend was an added effort into exerting me onto this world, as well as internalizing anything and everything the world had to offer me in return. I had decided that it was imperative for me to begin exploring cities and people here within Germany, and as a result I declared I would spend my weekend in Munich as it's only 1.5 hours south of me. Naturally, I made my intentions known to the people I've become close with here in Illesheim, and also to the people whom I feel have a sort of potential to enjoy my company and vice versa. But plans will be plans, and I think I've lived enough to know that most plans never actually pan-out as one would hope for; consequently, for the first time since I've lived in Germany I was left to travel stag.

This situation reverted me back to New Year's Eve 4 months ago when I had just arrived here. I remembered a conversation with Nick about his birthday plans since he was born on NYE. He explained that everyone who had confirmed as attending backed out and he was left high and dry with no one to celebrate with. I felt like a piece of shit for not being there for one of my best friends, but either way I advised him to look at it on the bright side and to consider the opportunities his situation presented him. My suggestion was for him to say fuck everything and everyone else and to create his own stag party, go out by himself and make some new friends. He had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Last Thursday, I chose to take my own advice and do the same thing for myself, by 1800 I was on a train to Munich and eagerly awaiting what my weekend had in store.

While sitting in the train, staring out the window into the German countryside, I suddenly found myself in tremendous appreciation for where I was at that exact moment in my life. It was almost as if my thoughts were being reflected back into my eyes through a glare coming from the window, showing me what 5 months ago I could only imagine my life to become. At that particular instance, I was all alone in a foreign country riding on a train traveling through Europe. The only things in my possession were my camera, the clothes on my back and a few Euros I kept in my wallet. I'm not sure if it was the sounds of the train cars squeaking as they rocked from side to side, maybe the sounds of Bavarians interacting with one another in a language foreign to me, or perhaps the sights of never-ending green fields covered in dandelions and pastel-colored flowers in the likes of Ricola TV commercials, with a few animals and fences sprinkled here and there, something about all those things made me reflect on where I was, something about all those things made me happy.

This perfect moment was suddenly interrupted, or perhaps enhanced, when a gentleman sitting nearby me approached me and asked where I was from. A simple introduction such as that carried into a conversation that lasted for hours until we arrived at the Hauptbanhof, and it also defined the remainder of my weekend. I checked into my hostel room at almost 2200, and after doing all the clerical shit I walked into my room, dumped my bags onto my bed, and made my way downstairs to the bar in need of furthered interaction...and a beer. The hostel was hosting a karaoke night, so I thought this would be a great opportunity to interact with people doing the same thing I was. After quietly observing and taking in the environment of this venue, I sat at the bar and began talking to one of the bartenders who was from Spain. Shortly after, I glanced to my right side to find two girls that had just grabbed seats next to me. As I've said before, if you give me a beer and place a good-looking girl in my immediate area, I'm bound to make a move. I turned to them and said, "Hi I'm Jay, where are you girls from?" Haha sound familiar?

I'm not going to turn this into one of my hook-up stories though, because it wasn't. In fact, the two of them told me they were from Luxembourg and that they were traveling in Munich just for the weekend. Although they weren't completely receptive at first, I had made it a goal of mine to practice some of my newly learned Neuro Linguistic Programming skills, and I did. I invited myself to hang out with them the next day, and so we spent the major part of the morning and afternoon walking throughout the Englischen Garten while learning one another. There were several times throughout the day in which I would stop myself and take in all of the things around me and attempt to appreciate even the smallest details. Some of the moments which highlight our walk were sitting next to the river and indulging in ice cream, people watching (even though I was walking with the two of them, it was virtually impossible to not appreciate the abundance of great-looking people all around me), and of course all of the pictures I took.

Later in the afternoon I met up with Joe, the dude I met on the train, and his friend Claudia for dinner and beers. We walked other parts of the city and spent the majority of the while in laughter. After they dropped me off at my room and having taken an elongated nap, I woke up ready to explore the scene of Munich's nightlife. Lena, Tania, and I had our 3rd rendezvous, and we walked throughout town in search of local bars and people. Fast-forward into the early morning the next day, and we all found ourselves back at the hostel after having met great people and bouncing from place to place. For reasons I don't remember, Lena and I were the only ones that stayed up late that morning, so we grabbed a blanket and walked to a park nearby our hostel. We found a decent spot to set the blanket, laid there for a good while staring up into the sky, watching it turn from shades of black to Carolina blue and creating conversations from nothing to our emotions about what it felt like to know when it's obvious you will never see a person ever again.

Around 0730 we decided to walk back, said our farewells, and parted ways. I slept for the following 3 hours, only to wake up again and decide that I wanted to go back home to regroup before making my way to Nürnberg with the boys that night. The train ride back, however, consisted much of the same my ride to Munich did, with the exception of meeting another stranger. So I ask again, do you think it's possible for a person to fall in love with something other than people? Can a person fall in love with an object, a place, or a time? I believe so, because I did; last weekend I fell in love with Germany, I fell in love with Munich, and I fell in love with the times I spent.



Myself, Lena, and Tania in the Englischen Garten




Claudia, Joe, and I at dinner.




Definitely going back soon.



House

Eugene is perhaps one of my most influential friends, and thanks to him I've explored and wandered into experiences I always dreamt of. One of those dreams was to become a proficient dancer, particularly with house music. I recall that about a year and a half ago, we engaged in a really short and simple conversation on our way back home from the airport in DC. While driving, I was playing a few new house tunes I thought he would enjoy, and naturally he did.

After jamming out for a few minutes, I made the following statement, "man, I really wish I knew how to dance to house music." Without any hesitation, he turned off my car's stereo and turned his body towards me while I continued driving and said, "Jay, there is no such thing as wishing, only doing. If there is something completely obtainable such as wanting to dance to something, don't WISH to do it, just DO it." I think many of you could relate that when you're talking to a good friend, they often advise you in certain ways that just make you go, "uh huh" but the message never registers. In this instance, it did, and ever since I've been learning to make this simple wish of mine a realization.

Isn't it funny how sometimes the simplest of phrases can motivate you so much? It surely amazes me. Anyways, I felt like sharing my thoughts right now as I've been listening to this song non-stop, and it has been giving me SO many ideas. Some of which I'll share with you all in the not-so-distant future so keep an eye out. For now, just enjoy. As they say in the house community, "House is a feeling." Right now, I'm SERIOUSLY feeling this track.

Surfen in im Stadtzentrum gelegenes München.

On the eve of Easter weekend.

Halfway through with my work day, and it has already been more than halfway exceptional. I feel the ned to express what is on my mind right now during my lunch hour and to credit all of you, but I'll hold off on that until the end. To some of you it might sound like an average, random, or even boring day; It's 12:14PM here in Bavaria and I've already gotten so much out of it. The first good thing about my day has been that I didn't get to do PT today (I know, I'm fat!) but that's okay because I've been getting my work out in other ways. After arriving to work this morning, I was notified that I had to redo some paperwork I worked on yesterday during weapons qualifications. "Understood, I'll get it done."

Needless to say, it feels as though every week I meet someone new, either in or outside of work, that teaches me something I can make lots of use out of. Last week while having breakfast, I had my first conversation with SGT McGlown who works in our communications shop. He told me that through watching me from afar he's noticed I'm very much into personal development and being introspective, and it's something he's been exploring since the age of 16. Automatically, I was enticed to learn more about him and what he's all about. While working in his office today, he introduced me to a new type of music (new to me at least) called iMusic. The aim of this type of music is to stimulate your brain and neurotransmitters to function at higher levels than normal, resulting in increased levels of focus and production. Through different kinds of sound waves and loops, this kind of music has developed various 'genres' to focus on different areas of everyday life, such as: attention span, focus, energy, sleeping, relaxation, communication, et cetera. For now, I plan to explore and learn more about it, and 'tactically acquire' it online :-P

After completing my tasks this morning, I went in to see my rugby coach in his office at the Community Bank. I wanted to inquire about information for this Saturday's game against the Munich boys, until he notified me the game was cancelled. Nevertheless, we sat down and discussed last weekend's game. He began to explain many differences in the positions I'm playing (winger and fullback) and ways to improve my performance. From this, I not only took away a better understanding of the game, but also a good sense of belonging to an organization that is like no other here in Illesheim. Our team consists of mostly military guys (myself included obviously). However, while at practice or in uniform, all-things-military go out the window and we address one another by first name and as individuals, regardless of rank.

It had been a really long time since I last walked in to a coach's office to be coached. I think anyone that has ever played an organized sport can feel my sense of appreciation for this as not only are you communicating with another person in regards to a game, but while all of this is happening, your mind is being fed with tons of knowledge. You can't put a price on that. Furthermore, he informed me on our upcoming trip to Amsterdam, The Netherlands before Memorial Day weekend. We will be traveling as a team, leaving on a Thursday night, spending the following day doing tourist things, and finally spending the remainder of the weekend watching the tournament. I simply CANNOT wait!

Tonight I will be heading down to Munich for the weekend. Once I get out of work, I plan on coming back to my place to pack and get myself on the road. This weekend will provide me with a new perspective on traveling because most, if not all, of my travels thus far I've been accompanied by one or several friends. I have a hostel booked for the next two nights, and plan to make the best of my time alone. While I have invited a few people to meet up with me in Munich at some point during this weekend, I am prepared and exciting about spending 4 days knowing absolutely no one, and getting to learn anyone, regardless of the uncertainties of others.

In conclusion, some of you may have read through my Facebook status yesterday about my blog having reached 1,526 all-time pageviews. While my hope, since I began writing in August, has been to simply share my progressions, I must admit it feels great to know that so many people are reading this. Even if none of you took the time to read it at all, I would still get much out of putting myself out there. As a result, I purchased my own domain name and hope that greater things are still to come. Again, thank you all for reading and for all of the wonderful feedback you provide me with each time I publish a new post; I promise to do my best to keep these coming as inspiration comes my way. Have a great easter weekend everyone!

Reflections of my weekend.

Although it's been a significantly eventful weekend, somehow I still feel as though it was exceptionally low-key. This could be a product of not having traveled 100s of kilometers away, but either way I still got a little bit of traveling in. My week began by trying to figure out various emotions, reflections, and upcoming plans for the weekend. It has ended with a lot more clarity and control over my emotions and reflections, as well as obtaining a severe ass-kicking that my body hasn't felt since god knows when. It hurts to breathe, walk, sit, and even yawn haha.

Friday night was pleasant to say the least, as 3 of my good friends from these past few months decided to have our traditional poker night. Our dynamic was altered due to the fact that Ryan is no longer here, but conversely, at the same time it was also enhanced as we invited Daniel (one of the guys that came to Strasbourg) over and we thoroughly enjoyed his company, particularly me. Any night in which I can hold a legitimate conversation with a person, and feel comfortable to let him or her into who I am as an individual, is a good night in my book. He reminds me a lot about myself when I was 22/23, and that's a good thing. It's almost like looking back in time, and seeing myself not knowing many of the things that I know now; for him, I genuinely believe he'll do great things here on a personal level if he so chooses. There's potential written all over him.

Even though I consumed a little more alcohol than I had hoped, I managed to wake up early enough on Saturday to be well ahead of schedule for my first ever rugby game. While waiting for the team to arrive, I played soccer with a group of guys that get together every Saturday morning at the same time and play pick-up. Fast forward a few more hours, and a new appreciation grew inside of me for a sport that I can truly see myself becoming infatuated with. It is fair to say I'm easily one of the smallest guys on the squad, but I received numerous praises from several players and coaches about my abilities thus far into the season. After getting my ass handed to me and clobbered during the first two minutes of the game, I decided to play my heart out. I was seriously taking down big dudes, little dudes, and any other motherfucker that came my way hahaha.

After the game, Victor and I joined the Goldbars (a married couple we work with, I made great friends with Harry while at MRE) on their way to Frankfurt. We got two hotels rooms in the business district, pregamed, and proceeded to a club downtown. Not only was I mushed up and battered after rugby, but this morning I woke up with a collection of blisters under my feet from dancing my brains off for hours last night. Truly a night to remember, we fucking OWNED that place haha. After a slow start to our day , we made our way into downtown again and walked the Frankfurt Zoo. Clearly, nothing of dire importance, but just the small fact of being able to get out of Illesheim and explore the greatness of cities and people available around us makes worlds of difference. This weekend candidly provided me with many positive interactions and experiences, ones that continue to contribute to the active effort of becoming a conscious and appreciative individual. 

Questions facing me this week: figuring out a way to break a subtle feeling that Nick might be apprehensive towards me, and why? Is it something I'm imagining? Getting in touch with Jackie in order to solidify plans for our rendezvous for Memorial day weekend. Logistics for this upcoming 4 day weekend: where am I going, with who, et cetera. How can I make myself consistently conscious of incorporating NLP with every interaction I make? Why the fuck isn't my xbox working? Thanks for reading, all :-)

Connecting on a newfound level.

In addition, one of the many things I learned from this weekend, or perhaps I should state that I was instead reminded of, was not to jump the gun while attempting to learn or read a person. This was made apparent to me on my first night in Strasbourg, on several occasions. I did this with one of the bartenders at the bar we spent our night in, I did this with myself, I did it with the two guys I traveled with, but most importantly I did it with a girl I've only recently met named Bridget. Perhaps it was all the intangibles that, in my eyes, were the only thing that encompassed her as an individual; AT THE TIME, all I knew was that she was a few years younger than me, when I met her she was kind of seeing someone, she's exceptionally attractive (physically), and the biggest thing that stood out to me was that she too, was in the Army (usually that's an automatic strikeout for all the obvious reasons.)

It is fair to say that most people, including myself, go by a predetermined checklist while either qualifying or disqualifying someone of the opposite sex; we do this through a process of elimination, or perhaps by attributing our own preconceived notions about them. Both the former and the latter were certainly the case with her. Is that unfair? Yes, but at the end of the day we know what we want/don't want and like/dislike. In my book, Bridget constituted everything I don't look for when qualifying a woman, therefore, right off the bat the prospect of becoming attracted to her had absolutely no kind of real probability. Furthermore, I did not invite her on the trip with prospects of hooking up with her or making any moves, but instead because after having a short conversation the night we met, I mentioned my upcoming trip, and she seemed interested. I figured I would just be going with people from work.

The night we arrived in Strasbourg, we as a group went out to a pub nearby our hotel. We all had several drinks, chatted a bit, and made it a considerably low-key night.  Somewhere in between of it all, Bridget and I were outside of the bar talking, and per usual, if you feed me a few drinks and put a good looking girl in front of me, I will more often than not make a power move. Check. I interrupted her in mid-sentence, pulled her in close to me and kissed her....or tried to haha. She backed away a bit and said that she didn't want to be that kind of girl I would hook up with on a first night basis. haha yeah at first I thought she was feeding me that LMR (last minute resistance) crap women usually do to make themselves feel like lesser sluts than they truly are. Yeah, I was wrong. After actually talking about it and setting the record straight, things were cool and not awkward so we just kind of moved past it.

My initial thoughts on it were pretty, blasé, I guess you could say. Nevertheless, the remainder of our trip was completely engulfed with us interacting through both meaningless and meaningful yet deep and real conversation, several laughs, and truly getting to know one another as people. In retrospect, I think her giving me the stiff-arm is where I was initially struck by surprise...a refreshing one at that. Maybe I've just become so accustomed to never being denied from the women I want; so much that it was a reawakening of my long-drawn-out and dormant sense of appreciation for women that actually value themselves and what they have to offer. By the end of our trip, our interaction had evolved into one in which we both openly stated our newfound attraction for one another. By this point, I had learned that Bridget is the kind of girl that in fact is made up of many things I look for, things I deeply connect with on a personal level, and she can be interacted with in manners contrary to what I had been told previously. 

On one hand, it's crazy to think that the last person I've felt truly attracted to, the way I do now or close to it, was Megan...about 2 summers ago. Even with Megan, nothing ever came of it because of my hesitant approach to it. I'm at a point where I'm not really sure what to make of it all; it's actually kind of amusing because it's almost as if I'm 16 again, crushing on someone this hard. I can't really even remember the last person I've connected with in such a way, without actually having hooked up with her. Today after going to yoga together, we spoke of our stance on it all again, and although nothing concrete really came of it, I think I've found a little more comfort in knowing that we're on the same page, and just hesitant to actually rush into anything. 

On the other hand, what's even more strange is that I considered that this may all be a product of an exceptionally rewarding and amazing weekend spent traveling with good people. However, 3 days separated from it all, my emotions on this matter are just as strong. Hell, it's still completely and realistically possible that nothing will even come of this either, but what I do know for certain is that I plan to take away several lessons from this. I'm sure many of you will want more details about this, and particularly her, however, I would feel more comfortable if we spoke of it when I call you all. hahaha yeah also, I'm sure some of you are probably laughing your asses off since this is completely unlike me, but I assure you, it's caught me blindsided as well. More updates soon, for now I'm going to take things as they come and see where it all goes. Merci :)

Strasbourg, France: Exceeding expectations.

I feel as though I say this every time about every place I travel to, but, WOW. If there is a european city I suggest anyone visit while in northern France, STRASBOURG! I kid you not, it has a little bit of everything you might look for in a city you're either backpacking through or simply visiting: sights, food, nightlife, culture, and most importantly its amazing people.

I made this trip with little hopes and expectations, but lots of energy and anticipation. I came back from this trip with absolutely no disappointments or moments I wish I would have changed, along with many learned lessons and a heart/mind wishing to embark on all the emotional and intellectual highs I experienced throughout, for a very...VERY long time. My weekend consisted of many random moments that would seem considerably insignificant to most, but made a world of difference for me and my friends.

While we arrived and partied lightly on Friday night, Saturday consisted of touring parts of Le Centre-Ville and La Petite France (perhaps the most gorgeous and warm/welcoming district in any city I've ever been, think of Montmarte in Paris or Foggy Bottom/Dupont Circle/Eastern Market in DC....but 10x better.)  The big cathedral was an enormous and breathtaking site, and all of the street performers outside of it give it a truly touristy feel.

One of the most enjoyable aspects of the city were its diverse culture, mix of languages between French, German, and the local Alsatian tongue, and of course its long-extended history. While you're walking down a street, you'll pass local people speaking French, while the following person will be speaking in German...and so on. Furthermore, they really go out of their way to communicate with you especially while you're out at night. However, if the nightlife isn't your scene you could always do what we indulged in on Sunday afternoon. I came up with the idea to, per my college days, grab a blanket and lunch, and head out to a patchy area of grass right next to the river that flows throughout the city and bask in the sun. Find yourself a friend to go with, a bottle of wine, and I promise you'll dream of doing it forever.

Siiigggghhh. It was that good :) Will be definitely going back at some point, so any of you are traveling nearby or visiting, I'll keep this destination in mind. For this coming weekend, I'm debating between Munich or going back to Prague. Updates to come.

Strasbourg, France

Progressions and saying goodbye for good.

5 days away from going home, and in retrospect this small hiatus in my every day rhythms hasn't been entirely bad. I don't want to sound snobby in anyway, but being almost a year separated from school I am finally starting to understand what my professors kept eluding to when they told us we would think like sociologists once in the 'real' world. When people here ask me about myself, or my Army self...I often tell them that I am the least Army-Army person they'll ever meet. If that makes any sense to you. Either way, the more I say it, the more I believe it. The past few days I've been walking around this place, inwardly observing all the people walking around and thinking/wondering why it is that they behave the way they do, or why it is that they think the way they do. Is that a product of me feeling so disconnected from the way the Army has regulated its soldier to look/behave, or is it a product of me refusing to immerse into an institution I increasingly continue to disagree with?

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I've been meeting several people of intrigue and introspective minds. These are individuals who I feel I am able to connect with because of their ability to view the world around them in a prospective outside of their own. About a week ago I had about an hour and a half long conversation with a guy that not only is linguistically proficient, but also has solid knowledge of world views, current events, our involvement in them, and his own opinion about it. Since, we've discussed many other topics from my continued exploration of intuition, to Neuro Linguistic Programming (something I've just recently been introduced to), the Army as an institution...and yes, women. Consequently, I am beginning to view my world in a new light, communicating with the people I work with in a new approach, and becoming more aware of my inner thought processes and feelings.

I've made a list of residual feelings I've been carrying from my past, and have decided to address them by level of importance. One of the several things I've already made a point of addressing was the constant thought of getting in touch with Rachel. You may recall the last time I wrote about it in THIS post. These days I realize that I should have a different approach with things that haunt me from my past. In regards to her, I felt as though I needed to let a few skeletons out from closet for good, gain some closure, and make peace with it and let it be gone forever. I emailed her, and ever since I feel at peace with myself...almost as if I let deadweight I was carrying, float off into the sea. I hope this feeling stays. Through getting things straight from my past, I believe I will be in better touch with where I want to go in the future. The improvements never stop...they shouldn't stop, and am doing my best to keep it up.