Falling back

Today's weather here in Bayern reminds me a lot about my trip to Stockholm, Sweden almost 1 year ago. Although Fall has already arrived on our calendars, the temperature seems to be somewhat indecisive about its range and where it's going to be from day to day. Granted, all of the overcast skies today would remind me of my somber-feeling days I spent in Stockholm because of the short amount of time the sun actually stayed out while I was there. It might be a little difficult for many of you to imagine, especially if you've never been so high/low in latitude, but it was absoultely crazy how the sun was already down at 3PM and the afternoons felt as though they're carrying on until the early hours of the morning. Nevertheless, Stockholm and its people were amazing, and it's a place I certainly plan on visiting again sometime in the future.

I suppose the reason I'm even mentioning anything about the weather or about a place I visited in my past, is because as the clock keeps ticking and the days on the calendar keep rolling past, I realize more and more that my time here in wonderful Germany is truly coming to an end. I've been trying to convince myself that I will do everything possible to do at least a littble bit of traveling while I'm still here, perhaps visit some good acquaintances I've made since my time here began, or perhaps just spend the remainder of my time delving in anything and everything with the few but close friends I've still got here. This past weekend I was originally planning on spending all my time in Munich, however, none of my plans went as drawn out because I ended up spending the weekend in its entirety in Würzburg with a few friends and missed my trains to Munich for a rugby tournament and Oktoberfest. To be honest, I didn't really mind not having made it down there, except for the fact that a distant acquaintance of mine whom I met through Eugene back in junior year of university was flying in just for Oktoberfest. I had made plans to rendezvous with him while there and a few other people but, unfortunately, our plans just did not come to fruition. Shit happens I guess, right?

The only other real plans I have coming up are definitely spending time with James this weekend at Oktoberfest. This time around I know that I cannot miss this for the world; considering the fact James is easily one of my best friends despite the fact our relationship as such hasn't really existed for very long, it would be a shame if I didn't make this commitment especially because it's not every week I have someone from home making the effort to spend some time with me all the way over here. Simply stated: I am super excited to spend time with him and all our other friends because I know it'll be a weekend filled with debauchery and god knows what else. I hope to make it out alive :-P The good thing about this coming weekend though is that I have a total of 4 days off from work, and while I may only be planning on seeing James during 2 of those days, I'm contemplating traveling about thirty minutes south of Munich and make my way into the Bavarian Alps for some snowboarding/sight seeing. Here's to our plans coming through!

In regards to my imminent return home, the only thing I'm waiting on right now is to receive my orders from the Army, after which it should be approximately 14 days until I fly out. Realistically speaking, I probably won't be receiving them until later this week (knock on wood) or possibly sometime during the next. If I do my maths correctly, and it's never been my strongest subject, I could still make it back home for Halloween if the stars align for me. I often hear that when given an inch, don't ask for a mile. Well, I'm almost 5,000 miles away from home, getting me closer to home by asking for a little expediency shouldn't really harm anybody. So let's make something fucking happen!

I don't know, I am feeling somewhat in a funk. Soon I'll be making all of my 'good-byes' and 'see you laters,' only to be followed by all of the 'hellos' and 'it's great to see yous.' While it might be very evident to you that I'm quite anticipant about getting back home, it almost feels like a big part of me is going to stay here in Germany once I leave. It's bitter-sweet knowing that I've made so many positive and fulfilling interactions while I've been here, and lately I've met a few people, and not to mention got to know a few others a lot better, that I feel our relationships will never be fully nor properly explored. Oh well, c'est la vie yo. I guess for now I'll just leave my office in 20 minutes, and continue to enjoy being home, or home while I'm still able to call it that. Anyways, Nuremberg awaits tonight. Cheers y'all.

I'm back at it again.

Well, long time no see huh? I hope every one of my readers has been great. I will be up front and apologize to many of you for practically neglecting and in a way ignoring your requests to come back to this blog and write again. Admittedly, the past several months have been very much like a roller coaster in regards to many ups and many downs, but now that the dust has settled I feel prepared to get back to what I know, this blog being one of them. In sum, my conscientious objector packet never went through to D.C. and after having found out that my bosses had practically stored it away while lying to me and telling me it was in transit, I decided to take matters into my own hands and pursue a discharge through other means. After many headaches and confrontations, as well as the proverbial slap in the hand, I've finally achieved what I've been trying to do for over a year. The end-state: I'll be home in about 1 month's time and finally getting myself back on my feet and on track once again.

With the exception of my job status and everything in the likes, my life was also turned upside down and back again during these last few months in regards to my relationships; Anna and I inevitably broke up after a very dramatic series of events that took place in our lives back in April and May. While traveling with work for about 3 weeks, I had received a message from her notifying me that she was late and that her doctor had confirmed that she was pregnant. I think it's fair to say that for just about anybody this kind of news would leave a person in a state of shock, and it did for me, but at the same time I knew that I was more than happy and prepared to do what I felt was right, and so I told her I was in for the long haul. I wrote about it in this blog I published on The Vomitorium. After re-reading this blog, it's almost surreal to me that all of it ever even happened. The very unfortunate thing about it all is that it was something we never finished; Anna "lost the baby"(due to nature, not choice...or so I think) a few weeks later, and due to our distance geographically and the distance we created between the two of us after it all happened, our relationship ceased to function positively. I wish I had something more to say about that...but the truth is that I don't. Awkward silence.... :/

Anyways, it has truly been a very troublesome time for me. I think it goes without saying that the aforementioned developments and events took a very serious toll on me on so many levels. I stopped traveling, I stopped blogging, it was difficult for me to even keep in touch with my own friends and family because in a way I didn't really want to be in touch with anyone. I felt as every conversation I had with everyone was always exactly the same, it all became a sour reminder, day in and day out, of the fucked up situation I was in at the moment and the way it felt as if I was stuck in an unconquerable depression. During that time I burned more bridges that I would have probably liked to, of course in reference to Anna, but also some very good friends (i.e. Jackie.) Nevertheless, just as there are high and lows, lefts and rights, blacks and whites, there were also many bright spots in my dark sky. After all of the support and encouragement I received from many of you, and after the recent good news I've received, my batteries are charged all the way up again and am ready for round 2.

Many of the conundrums I'm currently presented with are still the same as before. I plan on coming home for approximately 3-5 months and possibly working some random job here or there to save up some cash before my move to Brasil (that is still my biggest goal.) Given the fact I've only been home for less than 14 days during the almost past 2 years, I feel it to be right to spend a decent amount of time with my family and many of you back home that have loyally kept up with my blog. I really can't thank you enough. I suppose that until I do get back home, I'm going to see about fitting in some mini travels while I'm still here in Europe. I guess I should really make the best of it while it still lasts. In any case, I do have a plethora of other things to fill you all in about what's going on, and I give you my word to do so in the very near future. Thanks again for keeping up with me, and for being there for me, even from afar.

Lots of love,
Jay

House Freestyle at Siegestor, Munich

A new term defined

So this past weekend turned out to be the exact opposite of what I had originally imagined. As I'm sure you recall from reading my last post, I was planning on traveling south into the Bavarian Alps for a weekend of snowboarding. However, that didn't ever take place due to poor planning and miscommunication between my friends and I. To be fair and honest, it was really no one's fault considering last week everyone was working odd hours and taking care of various duties in locations other than usual. Instead, I spent my 4 days off doing absolutely nothing and indulging in what was easily the laziest 4 days I've had since I moved to Europe. Do I feel bad about it? Absolutely not. As I've said before, all things are only good in moderation, and moderating my travels and on-the-go life style and mentality was necessary, even if unintended :)

One thing that was particularly encouraging about my weekend, however, was that I only drank on one night through out that span, and this took place on Sunday night. It had been several months (perhaps since last summer?) that my friends and I were all in Illesheim on a 4-day weekend in which none of us were traveling, and as a result we did what we always used to: poker night! In the past, poker nights consisted of a totally brotastic time which lead to a drunken brostastrophe, meaning we played poker and drank until we couldn't do either any longer. Sunday night was not so different; the exception was that while I indulged in both poker and drinking, I didn't really drink myself to oblivion due to a lack in desire to do so and my vow to cut down on doing so. This was not the case for everybody else, however, and we played many of our usual pranks on those that were quick to become inebriated, jokes not for the faint of hearts.

I should also note that, while spending time with several of my friends on Sunday I came away with a very VERY important lesson: I seriously need to become a nicer person. One of my friends Tony and I have had somewhat of a love/hate relationship since we met. The bromance is in full effect while he's sober, conversely, when we drink (and the guy can fucking drink) we tend to get into heated arguments as to why I'm not amazing and pretty much the best thing that ever walked this earth. Of course I argue that I am...he disagrees... adamantly. Here's the thing though, while I am a cocky and in many ways conceited individual, I don't believe this about myself in reality. Plus, the times that I have had this argument with him it has been merely me just joking around and seeing how much I can push his buttons because he always took the matter seriously, and as many of you know I don't take anything nor anyone seriously unless it's necessary. However, Tony brought new light to my eyes while having this discussion with me that although he knows I don't actually intend to be hurtful with many of my ways, I inadvertently end up doing so many times...even if people never voice this towards me. I think that when he told me this was when it all stopped being fun and games for me, I shut my mouth, actually listened to what it was he had to say, and eventually apologized to him. He made me realize that it's actually very true, and that because a lot of times I only think about myself, even though I'm not trying to be an asshole at that time I end up being exactly that because I'm too focused on me me me, and nothing or anyone else matters.

That night I voiced my newfound conviction to Tony, my other friends, but most importantly to myself that severing assholery from my personality would become an active effort. I'm happy to report that less than a week in: so far so good. My question is though, how does one successfully change a big part of whom one has been for so long? I guess I'll figure it out along the way. In order to guide myself through this process, I began reading a lot about trying to define myself as a man of wholesome and honest values, respectable, and admiralty. I referred back to a book Eugene referred me to and that I briefly blogged about last year, written by David Deida and titled "The Way of The Superior Man." This, however, was somewhat troublesome as it brought back to life many useful ideas and pointers to lead my life successfully and fruitfully, but at the same time it emphasized my aforementioned assholery (and no that's not actually a word I don't think, but it fits the part, so maybe just maybe I'll patent it.) One read that did turn out to be very enjoyable and useful was something written in www.askmen.com about the definition of "A Real Man." You can read it here. If you know me well enough, you'll understand why this rung so true and loud to me :) Seriously though, check it out...it's actually a good read.

On another note and update, today I finally (FINALLY!) had my consultation, if you want to call it that, with a mental health profession in regards to my conscientious objection application. As previously mentioned, this is one of the requirements when a service member claims to be a conscientious objector, and I suppose it's for the government to see if there's anything psychologically wrong with you. I didn't really know what to expect, but once I got there I was comforted because although the person I sat down with was in the service as well, she was very clear and open with me about what the consultation would be like. She clarified to me that she wouldn't make a recommendation as to whether or not she believed I should be discharged as a CO, but that I was there simply to make sure that I was fine. I spent a little over an hour talking with her, telling her my story, and giving her a clear picture of who I am and where I'm coming from. Overall, I think it went extremely well and much better than I had anticipated. The crazy thing is that now it's all behind me, and the only thing left is for an investigator to hold a hearing which I do not plan on waiving off, and then he or she will make a recommendation to the Department of The Army as to whether or not I should be discharged based on my claim. I don't have word yet as to when this hearing is going to take place, but I'm hoping that it's sometime in the near future. If so, this means that my hopes, dreams, and aspirations of moving to Brasil would soon be simply that, and instead become reality.

I'm really keeping my fingers crossed, knocking wood, counting my lucky stars or whatever else you can think of in hopes that this all goes my way and in proper timing. Everything is extremely difficult to plan right now because I have no idea when any of this is going to happen, or if it will at all, but I'm keeping faith in it and in myself. Many many other things in mind I'd like to share with you all, but I suppose I'll try to keep this as it is and perhaps write about it later. I've already filled a select few of you in on some of these things, but just to hint, my developing emotions towards the coming season, my struggles with being in a new relationship, and of course traveling. I'll do my best to blog again soon, but until then, be easy y'all. Much love.

An update and introduction to The Vomitorium

There is an absurd amount of things that I would like to say and emotions I have been feeling the need to convey. I owe many of you an apology for not blogging much throughout the course of the year; as you all know much of my motivation for writing and publishing on this blog are my travels, and my travels are something that I have been trying to cut back on, as a result I have been writing less. It seems as though a lot of the traveling I've diminished in my life has been replaced by other occurrences and personal developments that I both expected, and didn't. Unfortunately, many of these developments haven't necessarily been on the positive side of the spectrum, and I attribute this as the reason for my lack of blogging. When I commenced this blog, I told myself that I wanted to keep it free of drama and negativity, just the same way that I've been to live my life for the last year and a half, and so that's why I've refrained from writing lately.

2012 has proved to be somewhat of a bad apple in the bushel of recent times. From being treated in a condescending manner at work, to almost a whole month of lost communication with my family, the month of January sure wasn't the amazing start to the year that I envisioned. To be fair, much of the negativity was almost expected and self-inflicted (work-wise) after I submitted my conscientious objector application, and many of those problems I didn't really know how to handle on my own...so I tried to handle it alone, and I kind of blocked people out of my life because of that. Consequently, I ended up hurting my mother's and sister's feelings for being out of touch, more-so than usual, but thankfully I was able to rectify that situation. In regards to my application, I would like to extend a public and very necessary appreciation to those of you that wrote letters of references for me; if I asked you for the favor it was because I knew I could depend on you to not only stretch out a helping hand, but to also solidify and confirm my beliefs...and you didn't let me down :) I've already submitted your letters, written a personal sworn statement that was 6 pages in length, and met with a chaplain (one of the requirements) in order for him to dissect my beliefs and write a report on the depth and sincerity of them. Next week I am scheduled to meet with a mental health professional (a shrink to be exact) so that they can make sure I'm not crazy, apparently. Last step after that, and before my application goes up to Headquarters of the Department of the Army is to have a hearing, but I don't know when during the year that will take place.

In light of the unforeseen difficulties, I must admit that there have also been many positive developments in my life as well. In January I took a very spontaneous trip to Amsterdam, The Netherlands with a few friends, and if you've heard anything about Amsterdam that instantly plugs certain thoughts into your head, let me tell you first hand, IT IS ALL MOTHERFUCKING TRUE! I'll leave it at that ;) Things with Anna have been a pleasant surprise for the most part, although as it progresses, in a way it reminds me why it is that I've been single for the past 3 years. Nevertheless, it's a testament to myself that there are many things I need to keep working on myself on an interpersonal level, but I'm trying. I've been so concerned with nothing else but myself these past few years that caring for someone else is a very foreign feeling now. To be honest, it's somewhat of a mind-boggling situation because I do expect to leave Germany sometime in the next year, approximately, and so as a result it adds even more uncertainties into my life. Nevertheless, I'm thoroughly enjoying what it is, and like everything thing else I do, I'm just kind of taking it day by day. I figure that's all that I can do because they say tomorrow is never promised, and instead of concerning myself with whatever may or may not come my way, I want to focus on living today to the fullest.

Yesterday I purchased my flight to Manchester, England to visit Jackie, the same friend I met up with in Dublin, Ireland last may. I briefly wrote about it here. Jackie is promised to be married in June, and so this will be my last opportunity to visit her before we both meet again back home in the US for the ceremony. I originally intended to attend my first English Premier League football match while in Manchesta', but my plans have changed and can now dedicate the entirety of my trip to hanging out with Jackie and Tony :) I am also exploring the possibility of bringing Anna along with me to meet Jackie...we'll see how it goes. This coming weekend presents me with various options as I'm off from work Friday to Monday. A few friends and I are trying to assemble a snowboarding excursion to the Bavarian Alps, but if that falls through we have PLENTY of options. I guess in a small way I haven't completely obliterated traveling out of my life...I suppose I just can't help it. How do you stop doing something that you're passionate about right? Anyways...

The last little bit of info I would like to share with you all is about an amazing idea my friend Chetan and a few acquaintances from college came up with. It's called The Vomitorium, and you should DEFINITELY click here and check it out. It's a brand new blog in which a few of us will contribute to periodically in order to share whatever intellectual and meaningful things we have brewing in our young minds, or perhaps just sharing anything of value to the greater masses. I'm currently working on my second post, so aside from keeping up-to-date with this blog, if you're ever bored feel free to check it out. You'll be pleasantly surprised ;) As always, thank you everyone for reading and I look forward to sharing more of my life with you all.

Love always,
Jay

Hemispheres

"Hey dude-

Sorry for the delay. I realize I've been less than communicative- but I’m writing to you in between seminar classes from Brazil (where I've been eating beans for a few days & can't clap my ass fast enough to make it to the toilet 5x per day- it's buffet style). I've been thinking about you while over here... it's definitely not Barca or mykonos, but amazing nonetheless in an intellectual way.

Came here a few days ago and ever since I stepped foot onto this reformed plantation-turned-hotel, I’ve been swept up in a whirlwind of learning (I'm taking some NLP seminars and shit). I won’t give you all the unnecessary details, but I will say that [I'm] with the exact people of the exact industry of my future. In fact, if this were an education I were paying for, I would say I hit the Ivy League Jackpot. Holy shit- really different from reading books and shit and I'm so so into this. Very diff from [Argentina] as well, where I was just working, going out, and working more. Here there's no bs or politics, just lots of good energy and hugs and good conversations and churning out videos on the side.

How's your setup going man? Are the military moves/ court process turning out?  Here in some ways, it's also like a job...I have class from 9 to 7 everyday, with a break for lunch, and then typically I work my private projects(building connections, videos, websites,etc) in between and after, punctuated with deep discussions with the leaders of my industry. Unreal access to big minds and uncharted growth. So worth the money. And since I didn’t really pay any to attend, only that much more valuable. You would have loved it.

Holy fuck-amazing- also, my Portuguese is coming along REALLY well, and things are just exactly where they need to be right now.

It would have been sick if you could have been here.  I know you started a little NLP investigation, but this is the real fucking deal dude. Wow


PS- You'll be happy to know that we got our first fraudulent credit card process on that website I designed a few months ago the other day for 2K+... but I called them to thank them before we sent anything out and found out it was a hijacked cc num... fuckers.

Hope you're doing well dude

beso from brazil" - Eugene.

Hey man,

I'm really happy to hear from you finally :) I too, am sorry that we've been relatively out of touch lately. Moreover, I hope that there isn't any bad blood between us from that one episode and hissy-fit I threw the night we went out with Nick and Chetan. I know we've already spoken about it, just felt the need to throw that out there. In any case, I cannot express to you how happy I am to hear that Brasil seems to be everything you anticipated, and much more. Quite honestly, I take this as personal motivation to make my move down there sometime in the foreseeable future. Did you ever get to meet the German dude that gave you the scholarship to attend this event? Also, by the time you read this, I hope that your chronic diarrhea has decipitated and your stool is better :) And why the hell would you tell me that you've been thinking about me in the same sentence you wrote about taking a shit??? hahaha

Things in my neck of the woods are status quo for the most part, but definitely a collection of small yet noteworthy developments. One thing I know you would love to learn is that I've actually began teaching yoga this month. Honestly it was a very spontaneous opportunity that presented itself to me, but I gladly took to it head on. The reason I know that this would make you happy to know is because I owe having ever explored yoga to you. Remember how throughout college Edward and I made fun of you for doing it so often, and then I finally gave in to your invitations? Quite the pleasant surprise for sure, being the only 2 guys in an aerobics room full of sluts and sorostitutes stretching and queefing for an hour straight. Some things will never change. But anyways, yeah dude it's been fun...the times I have taught it, it's been full 1-hour sessions, and I'm teaching it to people that have never really experienced yoga, so it's a learning experience on both sides since I'm learning to teach it, and they're learning the art of it. It's very satisfying though when some of the people approach me and express their gratitude for not only teaching them something new, but for influencing their mentality and mood that they will carry for the remainder of their day (I teach it at 630AM.)

In regards to the Army, as we say in the ranks here, "here we go again, same old shit again." Different day, same old BS. Things are moving (if at all) at a very bureaucratic pace, which I expected, and so I don't really have an idea as to when some actual moves will happen. I've already written my statements, as well as received letters of references from people back home in the likes of old roommates, professors, and colleagues. My last steps are to sit down to with a shrink so they can attest that I'm not crazy or some horse shit like that, and then my final hearing...seems like it's eons away. Nevertheless, it hasn't stopped me from preparing myself for my move to your current hemisphere, and I too am delving into Português as much as I can. It's difficult to balance learning both German and Português simultaneously, but I have fun doing it nonetheless. One thing that I'm convinced will help me though is the fact that I think I might be going steady with Anna now, the girl I told you about. She's extremely smart, and speaks a collection of languages. It's been a pleasant emotional and romantic surprise dude, and I wish to tell you more about her and what we have over the phone when we get the chance...but in sum, I'm really happy right now.

In regards to travels, I'm going to England next month to visit Jackie for a weekend, and the I'll be traveling to Bucharest in April for one of the Sensation concerts that's taking place there on the 21st. HOLY FUCK! I'm so stoked for that!

So anway, how's the vagina down there? And I'm not referring to yours ;-) I really would like it if we arranged a tiime to catch up through skype, so get at me girl...miss you tons bro and I hope the positivity, your experiences, and explorations down in Brasil multiply significantly. Looking forward to hearing more about it.

XOXO,
Daddy

Happiness, confusion, and emotional derailment.

Trials and errors, that's what life is about. I don't claim to be the wisest of the wise, nor do I actually believe that I am wise, even though sometimes I need to convince myself I am in order to make some of the decisions that I make with my life from time to time, good or bad. In the 26 years of life I've been around I think I can say that for your average twentysomething, I might have a penny or two to chip in to the lessons learned by your ordinary middle-class uni grad living life through wandering. Righteous or not, I lead my life in a way that works for me, and more often than not things don't always go my way. Nevertheless, the reason why I am content with all of my experiences is because at least I can say that I am willing to take a risk at things, and I do not shy away from a challenge. Like one of my favorite songs from last year states, "when the big wheel starts to spin, you can never know the odds if you don't play you'll never win."

At this point, it might start to get a little redundant the fact that I continuously state some of the challenges in my life. In case you don't know, please reference back to the last few blogs. This weekend has been a very refreshing and rewarding weekend for me, because in a way it has brought back to life a side of me that has been shut down and dormant for the last three years. After my epically catastrophic break up with Rachel, I seemingly descended into a remission of romance, meeting potentials along the way, but never enough for my heightened standards and expectations. I'm not the type to burn bridges, but along the way it seems like inevitably that's what I've done. I've met some amazing people, built some meaningful friendships, and have equally destroyed a few as well. Although it hasn't been an easy process trying to change my ways, the arduous process of molding myself into a man of concrete beliefs and virtue has lead me to where I am today: born again and ready to give all that I have emotionally and in commitment to someone special.

The majority of the day on Saturday for me was spent on a train ride north to Halle an der Saale, a college town just west of Leipzig, in order to visit Anna. She is the girl I've spoken to many of you about and written about here briefly as well. When we finally got together, we proceeded to check me in to a hotel I had booked online earlier in the week. The lesson to be learned from this is, if you book a hotel online in a small European city, PLEASE do some research on the hotel's location, other than reading reviews that way you don't end up staying in a place located in a super shady part of town, a.k.a. the red light district. Although the hotel itself was admittedly well kept and clean, when I booked a single room, I did so with the impression that "single room" implies a room that is NOT the size of a closet with a bed the size of your childhood twin size mattress. Yep, that's what it was. Now don't get me wrong, yeah sure I was visiting a girl that has an enormous amount of romantic potential written all over her, but I embarked on this trip with zero expectations and only with hopes of enjoying each others company through learning one another with conversation and things alike. However, a man should always be prepared for both the best and worst scenarios, and when you walk into a hotel room smaller than a college dorm room, you find yourself in pure embarrassment hahahaha. Fuck my life! In all honesty, she shared a few laughs with me about it and we were soon on our way to dinner and it became an afterthought.

Anna walked me through the city center pointing out random trivia about the town, while talking and eventually leading us to what she said is one of her favorite restaurants/lounge in all of Halle. We indulged in a light meal and a pair of cocktails, but the major part of dinner was spent in conversation, and I didn't want it any other way :) On our walk back under the rain, we decided to part ways so that we could both go home and change in preparation of a night of socializing with her friends, some drinks, and eventually a dance floor. As we parted ways, I reached out for her hands, she took mine, we approached each other casually, and our lips found their ways to one another's and that resulted in our very first kiss. I walked back to my 5 star hotel soaking wet thanks to the rain, but it didn't seem to wash away the big smile on my face. Quite frankly, this may have been the biggest I had smiles in, well, three years :)

After having gotten pampered up and ready for a night of personality explorations, we met her friends at a very chic and trendy cocktail bar named Sonar. The environment of this bar was especially stimulating as the only light in the whole lounge were dimly lit candles and over head low-density lamps. A prime situation to indulge delicious drinks and conversation with her three friends: Lili, Sofiya, and Kristina. All the girls were very warm and welcoming, sufficiently intelligent, and genuinely interested in finding out at least a little bit about me. Sofiya is studying to become a doctor, and in a way her personality reminded me very much of my great friend TJ who is currently studying neuroscience in Australia. If I recall correctly, both Kristina and Lili study various languages, and have a special interest in other cultures. All three girls were extremely charming, but perhaps the one that stood out the most was Lili as she had a particular interest in middle eastern culture and Islam, and that resulted in a surprisingly enjoyable but very intellectual conversation between the two of us. It's safe to say that Kristina is perhaps Anna's best friend, and although a little more reserved than the others, she was apparently very observant of me and Anna's dynamic. She was very adamant that I do everything possible to learn German, which has been my intention from day one. All in all, for me it was a very positive and rewarding experience to have had the privilege of spending one with her friends because a) I love meeting new people everywhere I go, and b) it's very important to me meeting a potential partner's friends and close relationships as it is a way of learning a side of that person that otherwise I might not ever learn on my own.

After having spent a considerable amount of time at Sonar and a collection of other venues in Halle, all five of us ended up in what may be one of Halle's most underground clubs. Charles Bronson, our final destination, reminded me very much of college house parties back in College Park, the home of my Alma mater. The structure itself was extremely run down and looked as if it was due for renovation approximately 50 years ago. Most of this clubs' patrons also reminded me of really bad house parties as the women were dressed in what may have been outfits that did not exceed a budget of €50, and all the guys were dressed like horny teenagers. To be fair, it was indeed a college student's hang out spot, and the drinks were dirt cheap: a round of 8 drinks cost me no more than €30. I should also note that the music they played wasn't a complete disappointment either as the DJs were spinning a pretty decent collection of minimal house tracks the whole time we were there. I suppose that all we were looking for was a dance floor, and we found it, but not too long after we all tapped out and decided to call it a night. Anna's friends made their merry ways home, and we spent the remainder of our night together.

The following morning we did everything in our powers to rid ourselves of our horrible and nagging hangovers we were both nursing. After getting ourselves together and prepped for further explorations, we made our way into the city again and Anna gave me a tour of all the places in which the majority of her time is spent from day to day. I should note that Anna is an extremely intelligent woman, and that is easily one of my favorite things about her. I think my intrigue for her definitely stems off of the fact that she's a true intellectual with a desire to learn not just about topics related to academia, but about our everyday life experiences and people; in a way she reminds me of myself. She is also very artistic, a dancer, but perhaps best of all is that she makes me extremely curious. Many of the places she showed me were some of her university's lecture halls, libraries and things alike. It was a very informative and satisfying experience for me, because I would like to think that whenever she tells me what she's up to, or where, I can actually imagine it in my head and picture her doing whatever it is that she's doing. Hm, that sounds kind of creepy right? I don't intend it to be, I promise.

We walked for about an hour or so, and eventually spent the remainder of the afternoon chatting and learning many random things about each other and our pasts. You know how growing up you would call someone and stay on the phone with them for hours, simply because there is nothing more you would rather be doing than to hear that person's voice and learn every little detail about them? And the whole time, even though they can't see it, or you can't see them, you both know when the two of you are smiling at the same time? There is no better feeling than that (for me at least) when you get to know someone, and the great thing about Sunday was that we had the privilege of having that in person. Sure we spoke over a meal, tea, lattes, hot chocolate, et cetera, but at the end none of it mattered. She was what mattered. Eventually though, our time had to come to an end as it was time for me to board my train back home. At that moment, as my train departed, it dawned on me that perhaps all of this emotion, all of this happiness...could it be possible that it's too much for me at once? Is this a product of my emotional numbness from the last 3 years? Are my existentialist modes of thought unnecessarily manifesting themselves into this whole thing? What am I going to eat tonight? hahaha. Maybe I'm just not used to being nice and caring anymore, but I sure as hell want to be. It was tough, I felt so happy that it confused me, but my biggest fear was that maybe I had confused her even more, because she told me she was confused as well. Or maybe I'm just asking too many questions and instead I should just calm down and let things take their own course. I'm really lost right now...

I think I'm afraid of being let down perhaps, not by anyone else, but letting myself down. I don't really want to set myself up for disappointment, but I can't help it that I want something this much. But then again, what if I were to have it, what then? I've completely forgotten how to handle these kinds of situations. I suppose that this is exactly why I started off this blog with stating that life is all about trial and errors, because everything truly is a test, and very frequently these experiences somehow end up as errors. Ideally I would like to finish this post with some kind of final statement, but it all leads me to this: I am utterly and helplessly confused right now. It's a good confusion, but confusion nonetheless. SIGH.

9BAH3YYXBTGS

New beginnings

Just for the record, this may be one of the shortest posts I've written yet. I recently downloaded an app onto my iPhone which enables me to blog on the go, and needless to say I'm sure you can all imagine that although it may be of convenience it is also rather troublesome. But anyways, to the meat and potatoes. I would first like to wish everyone a very very happy new year. While I would like to think that this new year holds many highlights and rewards for me, I have to be honest and admit that in a way it almost frightens me...something that I'm not so used to feeling.

To me, the year 2012 presents me with an extensive collection of uncertainties and challenges, but in order to see this in a positive light, I must remind myself that nothing good ever becomes a reality without some hard work and dedication, and of course several sacrifices along the way. One of the most prominent issues in my life right now, and for the foreseeable future, is the commencement of my conscientious objection, which I made official on the 26th of last month. The ball has began rolling with this process, which is nowhere near an easy nor a forgiving task, but I say again, all good things come with hard work and dedication. Even still, realistically speaking I truly only stand a 53% chance of being approved for discharge. Henceforth: positivity.

On the personal side of life, things remain fluid as they always have been. My time with James during the holidays was everything I wished for it to be, and exponentially more. I can honestly say that what had been an already good friendship (so much that he flew all the way from California to spend part of the holidays with me) has only evolved into a something special; he is a friend that I wish to keep for a lifetime, and in my books it takes someone very special for me to see them in that light. New year's eve was an absolute rage with him, my good friend Danny, and a collection of others. Probably one of my most memorable new years eve in my adult life; very close to comparison with the daring experience a few years ago at Gilbert's house hahahahaha, I shall not speak details of that night on here though (but some of you already know.)

As always, I have developed a very strong regiment of goals I wish to accomplish in the coming weeks and months, some in the likes of monetary gains and physical losses through extensive exercise. I have to decided to cut beer out of my alcohol intake, and some of you know that it is an extremely difficult task for me. In regards to drinking, I have also decided that I will indulge in such activities only one night per week. I have been working out twice a day in order to get back in the shape I was my freshman year of university. Furthermore, I have begun teaching myself Portuguese extensively every night, while making a conscious effort to maintain a decent regiment of German, although I think I have found someone in my life recently that may facilitate that too ;)

As you all know, when I blog about certain people it is because I hold them to the highest regards, especially if I have only recently met them. I blogged about Anna in my last post and hope that I successfully conveyed my utter appreciation for having had the opportunity to have met her. I have quickly and almost unexpectedly became intrigued, captivated, perhaps memorized by her, and that's not an easy thing for me to say. I am truly excited about being fortunate enough to get to learn another person that is equally attracted to me as I am of her. Although only a little bit of time permits, this weekend I will be traveling a little north to spend some time with her :) I'm not sure why, but something tells me something very very special lies ahead, and if not, well I am going to enjoy every minute of it. As I told James on Monday night at dinner, although the future holds many uncertainties for me that I may not even be aware of, it is no reason to hold myself back from enjoying everything that today presents me with, and that is exactly what I plan to do :) Every today that we get is beautiful, and I would be a fool to not enjoying every single day I can as tomorrow is never promised. Life is amazing. I must apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors on this post as I wrote it through my phone, I was just long over due for writing. I hope this post will suffice for everyone that has been asking me for updates. I love you all! Cheers.