Trials and errors, that's what life is about. I don't claim to be the wisest of the wise, nor do I actually believe that I am wise, even though sometimes I need to convince myself I am in order to make some of the decisions that I make with my life from time to time, good or bad. In the 26 years of life I've been around I think I can say that for your average twentysomething, I might have a penny or two to chip in to the lessons learned by your ordinary middle-class uni grad living life through wandering. Righteous or not, I lead my life in a way that works for me, and more often than not things don't always go my way. Nevertheless, the reason why I am content with all of my experiences is because at least I can say that I am willing to take a risk at things, and I do not shy away from a challenge. Like one of my favorite songs from last year states, "when the big wheel starts to spin, you can never know the odds if you don't play you'll never win."
At this point, it might start to get a little redundant the fact that I continuously state some of the challenges in my life. In case you don't know, please reference back to the last few blogs. This weekend has been a very refreshing and rewarding weekend for me, because in a way it has brought back to life a side of me that has been shut down and dormant for the last three years. After my epically catastrophic break up with Rachel, I seemingly descended into a remission of romance, meeting potentials along the way, but never enough for my heightened standards and expectations. I'm not the type to burn bridges, but along the way it seems like inevitably that's what I've done. I've met some amazing people, built some meaningful friendships, and have equally destroyed a few as well. Although it hasn't been an easy process trying to change my ways, the arduous process of molding myself into a man of concrete beliefs and virtue has lead me to where I am today: born again and ready to give all that I have emotionally and in commitment to someone special.
The majority of the day on Saturday for me was spent on a train ride north to Halle an der Saale, a college town just west of Leipzig, in order to visit Anna. She is the girl I've spoken to many of you about and written about here briefly as well. When we finally got together, we proceeded to check me in to a hotel I had booked online earlier in the week. The lesson to be learned from this is, if you book a hotel online in a small European city, PLEASE do some research on the hotel's location, other than reading reviews that way you don't end up staying in a place located in a super shady part of town, a.k.a. the red light district. Although the hotel itself was admittedly well kept and clean, when I booked a single room, I did so with the impression that "single room" implies a room that is NOT the size of a closet with a bed the size of your childhood twin size mattress. Yep, that's what it was. Now don't get me wrong, yeah sure I was visiting a girl that has an enormous amount of romantic potential written all over her, but I embarked on this trip with zero expectations and only with hopes of enjoying each others company through learning one another with conversation and things alike. However, a man should always be prepared for both the best and worst scenarios, and when you walk into a hotel room smaller than a college dorm room, you find yourself in pure embarrassment hahahaha. Fuck my life! In all honesty, she shared a few laughs with me about it and we were soon on our way to dinner and it became an afterthought.
Anna walked me through the city center pointing out random trivia about the town, while talking and eventually leading us to what she said is one of her favorite restaurants/lounge in all of Halle. We indulged in a light meal and a pair of cocktails, but the major part of dinner was spent in conversation, and I didn't want it any other way :) On our walk back under the rain, we decided to part ways so that we could both go home and change in preparation of a night of socializing with her friends, some drinks, and eventually a dance floor. As we parted ways, I reached out for her hands, she took mine, we approached each other casually, and our lips found their ways to one another's and that resulted in our very first kiss. I walked back to my 5 star hotel soaking wet thanks to the rain, but it didn't seem to wash away the big smile on my face. Quite frankly, this may have been the biggest I had smiles in, well, three years :)
After having gotten pampered up and ready for a night of personality explorations, we met her friends at a very chic and trendy cocktail bar named Sonar. The environment of this bar was especially stimulating as the only light in the whole lounge were dimly lit candles and over head low-density lamps. A prime situation to indulge delicious drinks and conversation with her three friends: Lili, Sofiya, and Kristina. All the girls were very warm and welcoming, sufficiently intelligent, and genuinely interested in finding out at least a little bit about me. Sofiya is studying to become a doctor, and in a way her personality reminded me very much of my great friend TJ who is currently studying neuroscience in Australia. If I recall correctly, both Kristina and Lili study various languages, and have a special interest in other cultures. All three girls were extremely charming, but perhaps the one that stood out the most was Lili as she had a particular interest in middle eastern culture and Islam, and that resulted in a surprisingly enjoyable but very intellectual conversation between the two of us. It's safe to say that Kristina is perhaps Anna's best friend, and although a little more reserved than the others, she was apparently very observant of me and Anna's dynamic. She was very adamant that I do everything possible to learn German, which has been my intention from day one. All in all, for me it was a very positive and rewarding experience to have had the privilege of spending one with her friends because a) I love meeting new people everywhere I go, and b) it's very important to me meeting a potential partner's friends and close relationships as it is a way of learning a side of that person that otherwise I might not ever learn on my own.
After having spent a considerable amount of time at Sonar and a collection of other venues in Halle, all five of us ended up in what may be one of Halle's most underground clubs. Charles Bronson, our final destination, reminded me very much of college house parties back in College Park, the home of my Alma mater. The structure itself was extremely run down and looked as if it was due for renovation approximately 50 years ago. Most of this clubs' patrons also reminded me of really bad house parties as the women were dressed in what may have been outfits that did not exceed a budget of €50, and all the guys were dressed like horny teenagers. To be fair, it was indeed a college student's hang out spot, and the drinks were dirt cheap: a round of 8 drinks cost me no more than €30. I should also note that the music they played wasn't a complete disappointment either as the DJs were spinning a pretty decent collection of minimal house tracks the whole time we were there. I suppose that all we were looking for was a dance floor, and we found it, but not too long after we all tapped out and decided to call it a night. Anna's friends made their merry ways home, and we spent the remainder of our night together.
The following morning we did everything in our powers to rid ourselves of our horrible and nagging hangovers we were both nursing. After getting ourselves together and prepped for further explorations, we made our way into the city again and Anna gave me a tour of all the places in which the majority of her time is spent from day to day. I should note that Anna is an extremely intelligent woman, and that is easily one of my favorite things about her. I think my intrigue for her definitely stems off of the fact that she's a true intellectual with a desire to learn not just about topics related to academia, but about our everyday life experiences and people; in a way she reminds me of myself. She is also very artistic, a dancer, but perhaps best of all is that she makes me extremely curious. Many of the places she showed me were some of her university's lecture halls, libraries and things alike. It was a very informative and satisfying experience for me, because I would like to think that whenever she tells me what she's up to, or where, I can actually imagine it in my head and picture her doing whatever it is that she's doing. Hm, that sounds kind of creepy right? I don't intend it to be, I promise.
We walked for about an hour or so, and eventually spent the remainder of the afternoon chatting and learning many random things about each other and our pasts. You know how growing up you would call someone and stay on the phone with them for hours, simply because there is nothing more you would rather be doing than to hear that person's voice and learn every little detail about them? And the whole time, even though they can't see it, or you can't see them, you both know when the two of you are smiling at the same time? There is no better feeling than that (for me at least) when you get to know someone, and the great thing about Sunday was that we had the privilege of having that in person. Sure we spoke over a meal, tea, lattes, hot chocolate, et cetera, but at the end none of it mattered. She was what mattered. Eventually though, our time had to come to an end as it was time for me to board my train back home. At that moment, as my train departed, it dawned on me that perhaps all of this emotion, all of this happiness...could it be possible that it's too much for me at once? Is this a product of my emotional numbness from the last 3 years? Are my existentialist modes of thought unnecessarily manifesting themselves into this whole thing? What am I going to eat tonight? hahaha. Maybe I'm just not used to being nice and caring anymore, but I sure as hell want to be. It was tough, I felt so happy that it confused me, but my biggest fear was that maybe I had confused her even more, because she told me she was confused as well. Or maybe I'm just asking too many questions and instead I should just calm down and let things take their own course. I'm really lost right now...
I think I'm afraid of being let down perhaps, not by anyone else, but letting myself down. I don't really want to set myself up for disappointment, but I can't help it that I want something this much. But then again, what if I were to have it, what then? I've completely forgotten how to handle these kinds of situations. I suppose that this is exactly why I started off this blog with stating that life is all about trial and errors, because everything truly is a test, and very frequently these experiences somehow end up as errors. Ideally I would like to finish this post with some kind of final statement, but it all leads me to this: I am utterly and helplessly confused right now. It's a good confusion, but confusion nonetheless. SIGH.
9BAH3YYXBTGS
At this point, it might start to get a little redundant the fact that I continuously state some of the challenges in my life. In case you don't know, please reference back to the last few blogs. This weekend has been a very refreshing and rewarding weekend for me, because in a way it has brought back to life a side of me that has been shut down and dormant for the last three years. After my epically catastrophic break up with Rachel, I seemingly descended into a remission of romance, meeting potentials along the way, but never enough for my heightened standards and expectations. I'm not the type to burn bridges, but along the way it seems like inevitably that's what I've done. I've met some amazing people, built some meaningful friendships, and have equally destroyed a few as well. Although it hasn't been an easy process trying to change my ways, the arduous process of molding myself into a man of concrete beliefs and virtue has lead me to where I am today: born again and ready to give all that I have emotionally and in commitment to someone special.
The majority of the day on Saturday for me was spent on a train ride north to Halle an der Saale, a college town just west of Leipzig, in order to visit Anna. She is the girl I've spoken to many of you about and written about here briefly as well. When we finally got together, we proceeded to check me in to a hotel I had booked online earlier in the week. The lesson to be learned from this is, if you book a hotel online in a small European city, PLEASE do some research on the hotel's location, other than reading reviews that way you don't end up staying in a place located in a super shady part of town, a.k.a. the red light district. Although the hotel itself was admittedly well kept and clean, when I booked a single room, I did so with the impression that "single room" implies a room that is NOT the size of a closet with a bed the size of your childhood twin size mattress. Yep, that's what it was. Now don't get me wrong, yeah sure I was visiting a girl that has an enormous amount of romantic potential written all over her, but I embarked on this trip with zero expectations and only with hopes of enjoying each others company through learning one another with conversation and things alike. However, a man should always be prepared for both the best and worst scenarios, and when you walk into a hotel room smaller than a college dorm room, you find yourself in pure embarrassment hahahaha. Fuck my life! In all honesty, she shared a few laughs with me about it and we were soon on our way to dinner and it became an afterthought.
Anna walked me through the city center pointing out random trivia about the town, while talking and eventually leading us to what she said is one of her favorite restaurants/lounge in all of Halle. We indulged in a light meal and a pair of cocktails, but the major part of dinner was spent in conversation, and I didn't want it any other way :) On our walk back under the rain, we decided to part ways so that we could both go home and change in preparation of a night of socializing with her friends, some drinks, and eventually a dance floor. As we parted ways, I reached out for her hands, she took mine, we approached each other casually, and our lips found their ways to one another's and that resulted in our very first kiss. I walked back to my 5 star hotel soaking wet thanks to the rain, but it didn't seem to wash away the big smile on my face. Quite frankly, this may have been the biggest I had smiles in, well, three years :)
After having gotten pampered up and ready for a night of personality explorations, we met her friends at a very chic and trendy cocktail bar named Sonar. The environment of this bar was especially stimulating as the only light in the whole lounge were dimly lit candles and over head low-density lamps. A prime situation to indulge delicious drinks and conversation with her three friends: Lili, Sofiya, and Kristina. All the girls were very warm and welcoming, sufficiently intelligent, and genuinely interested in finding out at least a little bit about me. Sofiya is studying to become a doctor, and in a way her personality reminded me very much of my great friend TJ who is currently studying neuroscience in Australia. If I recall correctly, both Kristina and Lili study various languages, and have a special interest in other cultures. All three girls were extremely charming, but perhaps the one that stood out the most was Lili as she had a particular interest in middle eastern culture and Islam, and that resulted in a surprisingly enjoyable but very intellectual conversation between the two of us. It's safe to say that Kristina is perhaps Anna's best friend, and although a little more reserved than the others, she was apparently very observant of me and Anna's dynamic. She was very adamant that I do everything possible to learn German, which has been my intention from day one. All in all, for me it was a very positive and rewarding experience to have had the privilege of spending one with her friends because a) I love meeting new people everywhere I go, and b) it's very important to me meeting a potential partner's friends and close relationships as it is a way of learning a side of that person that otherwise I might not ever learn on my own.
After having spent a considerable amount of time at Sonar and a collection of other venues in Halle, all five of us ended up in what may be one of Halle's most underground clubs. Charles Bronson, our final destination, reminded me very much of college house parties back in College Park, the home of my Alma mater. The structure itself was extremely run down and looked as if it was due for renovation approximately 50 years ago. Most of this clubs' patrons also reminded me of really bad house parties as the women were dressed in what may have been outfits that did not exceed a budget of €50, and all the guys were dressed like horny teenagers. To be fair, it was indeed a college student's hang out spot, and the drinks were dirt cheap: a round of 8 drinks cost me no more than €30. I should also note that the music they played wasn't a complete disappointment either as the DJs were spinning a pretty decent collection of minimal house tracks the whole time we were there. I suppose that all we were looking for was a dance floor, and we found it, but not too long after we all tapped out and decided to call it a night. Anna's friends made their merry ways home, and we spent the remainder of our night together.
The following morning we did everything in our powers to rid ourselves of our horrible and nagging hangovers we were both nursing. After getting ourselves together and prepped for further explorations, we made our way into the city again and Anna gave me a tour of all the places in which the majority of her time is spent from day to day. I should note that Anna is an extremely intelligent woman, and that is easily one of my favorite things about her. I think my intrigue for her definitely stems off of the fact that she's a true intellectual with a desire to learn not just about topics related to academia, but about our everyday life experiences and people; in a way she reminds me of myself. She is also very artistic, a dancer, but perhaps best of all is that she makes me extremely curious. Many of the places she showed me were some of her university's lecture halls, libraries and things alike. It was a very informative and satisfying experience for me, because I would like to think that whenever she tells me what she's up to, or where, I can actually imagine it in my head and picture her doing whatever it is that she's doing. Hm, that sounds kind of creepy right? I don't intend it to be, I promise.
We walked for about an hour or so, and eventually spent the remainder of the afternoon chatting and learning many random things about each other and our pasts. You know how growing up you would call someone and stay on the phone with them for hours, simply because there is nothing more you would rather be doing than to hear that person's voice and learn every little detail about them? And the whole time, even though they can't see it, or you can't see them, you both know when the two of you are smiling at the same time? There is no better feeling than that (for me at least) when you get to know someone, and the great thing about Sunday was that we had the privilege of having that in person. Sure we spoke over a meal, tea, lattes, hot chocolate, et cetera, but at the end none of it mattered. She was what mattered. Eventually though, our time had to come to an end as it was time for me to board my train back home. At that moment, as my train departed, it dawned on me that perhaps all of this emotion, all of this happiness...could it be possible that it's too much for me at once? Is this a product of my emotional numbness from the last 3 years? Are my existentialist modes of thought unnecessarily manifesting themselves into this whole thing? What am I going to eat tonight? hahaha. Maybe I'm just not used to being nice and caring anymore, but I sure as hell want to be. It was tough, I felt so happy that it confused me, but my biggest fear was that maybe I had confused her even more, because she told me she was confused as well. Or maybe I'm just asking too many questions and instead I should just calm down and let things take their own course. I'm really lost right now...
I think I'm afraid of being let down perhaps, not by anyone else, but letting myself down. I don't really want to set myself up for disappointment, but I can't help it that I want something this much. But then again, what if I were to have it, what then? I've completely forgotten how to handle these kinds of situations. I suppose that this is exactly why I started off this blog with stating that life is all about trial and errors, because everything truly is a test, and very frequently these experiences somehow end up as errors. Ideally I would like to finish this post with some kind of final statement, but it all leads me to this: I am utterly and helplessly confused right now. It's a good confusion, but confusion nonetheless. SIGH.
9BAH3YYXBTGS
I'm in medical school you muppet! This is what happens when forget our love affair
ReplyDeletelove you xx
ReplyDeleteand its ok to be happy
ReplyDeleteShut the fuck up with your sensitive ass!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jackie! It means a lot :)
ReplyDeleteEdward: suck a dick!